Goodnight, littlest one

Goodnight little baby. I will miss not kissing you and holding you tight. I will miss not having our private relationship for 9 months, feeling you move inside of me as I work my nights on call, a constant reminder that there is more than work in my life. I do not know if you had a soul at 6 weeks, but if you did I hope that you passed knowing how much I love you and how much I wanted to dedicate my life to yours and your sister's.

The ultrasound tech put the probe against me and I knew something was wrong right away. Not only were you too small, there was no flickering heartbeat, and she left the room right away to get the doctor. The doctor came in and looked at my ovaries instead of you. I felt a small hole open up in me where you are supposed to be. I feel cheated, but not as much for myself as for you. For me there will hopefully be another chance, another child. But we wanted you. To me, you are already an individual, one I was curious about, the one I love. I am sorry you will not know your mother and father's kisses and voices. I am sorry your sister will not know you and you not know her. I was already whispering to you, calling you my baby, my love. You made me smile and feel triumphant. You gave me perspective and patience. You gave me love, and in the end I didn't get to give you much.

Maybe you were just a little ball of tissue, starting to be a being and not truly formed yet. Likely this is so. In my heart though you were already a child, laughing and curious and impervious to my will in your own way. What makes me saddest is that there is no goodbye. I hope though that if there is a next life you are already there, laughing and running around. Another irrational thought, but one that comforts anyhow.

If my being were a tapestry of my experiences and feelings, I hope that you took a small piece of it with you when you fell through. I want to leave this small mark on the earth so I will know you were here, for there are no dirges for me and you. In a few hours I have to go to the hospital and spend the day putting other people's pain and loss ahead of my own.

This is no scraped knee for me to kiss and put a bandaid on, it was the end of your life and I want you to know how much it matters to me. How I wish it were different.

There is no sleep for me tonight and only oblivion for you. In my mind I am laying you down for a long sleep and wrapping you up in thoughts of love. My tears are hot and I know not every thing is meant to be. But I was meant to love you, and love you I do. Until the end of my life, not yours.